Some Thoughts as Yom Kippur Wanes

I had some thoughts I couldn’t help but contemplate all throughout my Yom Kippur.

Am I on the right track? And if not, how do I get back there?

My Crazy Journey

Over twenty years ago, I started zooming down a pathway. And that journey has been replete with blessings. But with it’s fair share of challenges as well.

A few crazy steps, and accidental mishaps, and next thing I knew I was studying Torah in Israel, miles away from where I may have expected to be just a few years earlier. Both literally and metaphorically.

That path led me to a life of strict observance of Jewish laws. It led me to a marriage that was destined for failure from day one, but resulted in four beautiful children. And it put me on a trajectory toward a career that was fulfilling for a period, but wasn’t the best fit for me. On occasion I miss teaching, but I then remind myself of the many reasons I fled the career, and it’s hard to look back at all.

But even the paths abandoned are connected to the paths later chosen.

Choosing a Torah lifestyle led to wanting to be in yeshiva, which led to a rabbincal ordination program to stay in yeshiva. That program led to education as a career “choice”. To fine tune my skills within that career, I would choose technology as a way to build interest for my students. And when my time in education finally came to a close, technology was sitting there waiting for me as the next path on the journey.

My Invasive Thoughts

But was it the correct path?

Was technology the direction my soul was pulling me towards? Or was it just another fork in the road, a path chosen not because it’s where my true passion lies, but because decisions were made earlier in life, journeys were taken, and inertia took over from there.

On the big day of Yom Kippur, there’s not a lot of time for distraction from thought. There’s no TV or internet. No eating or drinking. Just endless amounts of time for contemplation… when I’m not spacing out or outright falling asleep.

And that contemplation can get really complex at times.

I’ve been afraid to be alone with my thoughts for some time now. It’s been fairly close to a decade since my kids moved away to another country. And even though the moment is most certainly in the rear-view mirror, and I’m now happily reunited with the not-so-little-anymore kiddos, I’ll never forget the impact it had on my mind.

My concentration was ruined. My thoughts were my worst enemy. And I looked for every opportunity for distraction.

Why? Because if I weren’t distracted, I would get flooded with negative thoughts. Oppressive thoughts.

And the main theme was: How in the world could you have made this many mistakes? What series of idiotic decisions did I need to make to lead to this moment? To this series of highly unenviable events?

I was afraid of my thoughts then. I’m still afraid of my thoughts now.

Who knows, perhaps I always will be.

Where Am I?

But I sat there on Yom Kippur, thirsty, once again wondering how I got where I was. Wondering not just if I am where I want to be, but whether or not each day was just another moment of me getting shoved in the directions of the inertia of my past.

Am I really the master of my own destiny? Or am I just a product of past decisions, and I’ve lost any and all control over my life and my future destinations?

And most of all wondering: Can the patterns be broken? Is control something that can forcefully be brought back into one’s life, or once the ball is sent rolling, will it just continue storming down the ramp forever?

I don’t have any answers. None at all. Just questions and pondering.

Two Paths to Destiny

I’d like to believe we can uproot our paths, take back our destinies. I assume there’s two ways of getting there: The subtle and the drastic.

The subtle would involve small changes. Move to a different city, start learning toward a new profession, intentionally meet some new people. Lay foundations that will hopefully start a process that will lead to ultimate change. It may take a while. Perhaps even several years. But by the time the process gets anywhere interesting, you could have a new and different life staring back at you.

The drastic would require a daring and terrifying immediate and profound life change. Moving to another country, dropping your job and leaving yourself open to something completely new, completely switching friend groups or life priorities.

The latter method is far scarier. Change done incrementally is barely noticed. Change done quickly makes most of the world extraordinarily uncomfortable, and they’re way too terrified to even give it a try.

But it’s faster.

And when things need to be shaken up, sometimes the utterly drastic is what we need. There’s no time for waiting for a change that may never come. No, we need to shake that bottle of soda and enjoy the sweet explosion that will likely follow.

Life Has Shackles

But life also comes with shackles. Many if not most are self-created, but they’re there nonetheless.

If someone wants to abandon their community and job and go off backpacking through the jungles of South America, it can probably be a very wild and memorable adventure.

If that also means leaving a wife and children behind, to call the decision irresponsible is the understatement of the century.

The decision to have a family became shackles preventing the individual in question from roaming the earth freely in the way he desires. These shackles aren’t good or bad. They just are. Life’s often too complicated to simply drop everything and do what feels right just because it’s the direction your whims are pulling you.

But not all shackles are created equally.

Abandoning a wife and children is gross and immoral. Leaving a job is just challenging… and likely the company will move on from you before you carry your belongings out the front door.

How does one determine when it’s time to shake the tree and see what falls out? And what are the shackles worth casting to the ground?

And how does one obtain the courage to do any of this!?