My World After 300

I started writing this little blog world a little over six years ago.

I had no real vision for what it would be, besides me getting my thoughts and feelings off my chest. But I figured at some point along the way, I’d discover a niche. I’d find that one topic I’d wish to write about more than anything. But that never happened. And all these years later my blog is just the thoughts going through my head that week, whether they be on inane topics like the Barbie movie or the worst shows on Netflix, or serious topics like cluster munitions or my fear of Jews being mentioned in the media. Whether I’m complaining about Israel or talking about yet another discovery I’ve made about myself in the world of health and fitness.

Hopes and Breaks

I also hoped that one day some random rich person would see my writing, notice something about me, and before I knew it, I’d be writing for a living and raking in money doing so.

That didn’t happen either.

What did happen is I successfully emoted. I took whatever joy, whatever pain, whatever confusion was burning in my soul, and I put it into words. I wrote it down and it made my life better.

This is my 300th post. That’s a lot of writing and a lot of years doing so.

Every once in a while I take a break. I need to just stop for a minute to reflect… on my reflecting. Breathe for a moment. Not worry about making sure to have something to publish every single week.

And now seems like the perfect time to step away for a bit.

Turning Point

I’m a few months into a new job. It is just before the holidays, and yet another Jewish new year is looming before me. And my precious son is off to basic training. Yes, I have friends who are younger than I am with kids even getting married. And even though I don’t see that happening all that soon, there’s plenty going on to make me feel on the older side.

My son also just turned twenty.

When people meet me they often guess my age wrong by as much as a decade. Of course, once they find out I have a 20 year old child, they start redoing their evaluation.

There are not a lot of things in this world that can make you feel like the years are moving along. But having a kid pass the 20-year mark is possibly the most powerful one I’ve felt so far.

I don’t know what the future will hold. He’s got quite the road ahead of him. He’ll be nearly thirty when he completes his military service, which is wild. But he will be leaving that service with a degree in electrical engineering, six years of extremely high-level experience, connections galore, and, assuming the world doesn’t change too much or he doesn’t have a giant overhaul of interests, a really amazing and lucrative career ahead of him.

It’s so fun to think back about those twenty years together, whether it’s going shooting, jumping out of planes, giving blood, or growing out our hair for three years for donation, the ride has been bumpy but awesome.

At A Crossroads

But these crossroad moments insert themselves into your life like a quick artificial pause. They force you to ponder difficult and sometimes painful questions:

Am I where I want to be?

Am I on the right path, moving forward toward the destination I’m seeking?

Am I even clear on what that destination is?

Is there possibly more from this world I want but I’m simply not getting?

And when those questions start flooding in, I can’t help but need to stop. Need to reevaluate.

Why am I writing this blog? Is it to achieve some certain level of recognition? Is it to earn money?

Is it just to get thoughts off my chest? Is it because maybe those thoughts stand to benefit others who might stumble upon my words? Is it pure catharsis and nothing more? Or maybe just a cute little side hobby?

In many ways, you can find out why you’re doing something more when you take a break from it. When you step back and look at the world as if this is something you don’t have.

What if I didn’t have this outlet? What if six years ago a friend and couch surfer didn’t convince me to just do it? She asked what I’d do the next day if I had the nerve and nothing were standing in my way. I said I’d start this blog. She pushed me, saying that’s exactly what I should do.

And I did.

Why Do What We Do?

And I had as little direction then as I do now.

Surely I’ve learned some things along the way. Things are more refined. I have a better idea of what people will pay attention to and what they won’t. And it certainly isn’t connected to what I want to write about the most.

It’s never been about the views and clicks.

But at the same time, they’re hard to ignore. And in an ideal world, I’d certainly want more of them.

Instead, at times it feels like I’m chasing a self-created obligation. Every day we brush our teeth, get dressed, and have breakfast. The list of obligatory acts is long, but most lack any level of pleasure. We don’t do them because they make us happy. We do them as rote mandatory pieces of our days.

And in many ways, I’ve added to my list of mandatory rote obligations.

Do I do Duolingo still because I love it and I’m learning languages? Or is it just something I have to do because it’s on the list?

Do I send birthday messages out to my friends and family because I want to celebrate their milestone? Or is it just something I’ve been doing so long, I can’t imagine starting my day otherwise?

My Next World

And is this blog still a part of my soul? Is it still something that causes me pleasure and makes my life infinitely better?

Or is it just a part of my routine that I’ve tricked myself into thinking must be there?

How could I know the answer to these questions?

I need to step away for a bit and watch from a distance.

Then I’ll either return with a newfound intensity and passion.

Or I’ll wander off into the sunset. Forever.