40th Birthday: Oh Crap, It Happened

My 40th Birthday rolled around…

I have been procrastinating starting this blog for many, many months now. Sadly, my mind tricked me in innumerable ways to delay myself from hitting the keyboard.

The most convincing method was telling myself that I needed to find the right moment or milestone to propel me to get my thoughts down on paper. And here I sit, tired, next to my dog Frankie, a tad lonely on my 40^th birthday, saying to myself, “If I don’t start now, I probably never will.”

So I’m 40 now. Despite every mental effort I could muster up, it happened anyway.

And those 40 years are nothing if not endless thoughts, endless musings on why things have happened in my life. I can’t keep them straight, and I can’t keep them bottled up inside.

I originally named my blog “Return to Israel”, since eight months ago I moved back to this wacky country after being away for eleven years. This return is one of countless transitions I’ve gone through in the past few years, including an intense divorce (happily!)and an intimidating career switch.

Starry Eyes

Twenty years ago I moved to Israel with starry eyes. I wanted to be in my ancestral homeland, to be in the place that God Himself promised to my people. I was excited and so proud, and for years I loved every minute of my time here.

However, eight years later I left with a nasty taste in my mouth, one that’s quite hard to describe, but one that only got stronger with each passing year. I left thinking I’d be back in one or two years; however, within a decade, I had lost all interest.

So why am I here?

It’s quite simple math. My children moved here with their mother a year before me. And despite the comfortable and fulfilling life I had built for myself in the States, it reeked of emptiness being so far from my beautiful children.

And here I stand. I’m 40 now. It happened. Despite disbelief that it could, and despite all efforts to prevent it from happening, I’m 40. I am rebuilding my life from scratch, in a land so familiar yet so foreign to me, trying to figure things out. I’m trying to start over. And the most healing thing I can think of is to attempt to get my thoughts and feelings out into the open.

Please join me in my journey. It will be a bumpy ride, sometimes bitter and angry, sometimes hopeful or even hysterical. I’m writing things down one way or the other. I’d be honored if you’d like to hear what I have to say.