I’m extremely excited to announce the publication of my second eBook, You’re Doing Everything Wrong. If you haven’t snatched up a copy of my first book, Teach Like a Ninja, please grab a copy at your nearest convenience (and don’t forget to write an Amazon review).
My new book, You’re Doing Everything Wrong, is a compilation of lessons I learned in the past several decades about dating, marriage, and divorce. The book has three sections with ten chapters dedicated to each of these important topics. It’s jam-packed with advice, stories, and just enough humor to make light of extremely complex and difficult topics. The basic premise: Learn from my mistakes rather than make them yourselves.
Here I’ll share some quotes from You’re Doing Everything Wrong with a bit of commentary. A little feel… before you pick up your own copy:
You’re Doing Everything Wrong: Dating
“Long-term dating and marriage are not solutions to loneliness… feeling lonely when you are married is infinitely more challenging than feeling lonely when single.” (Chapter 4)
It’s very easy to assume that when you’re single and lonely there is a magic panacea waiting for you out there. Just get married, and everything will be OK. No more loneliness. Your dreams have finally been achieved.
But this is so very wrong an approach.
Getting involved in a less-than-great marriage is a recipe for far worse pain than any loneliness you felt when single. Best to avoid learning this the hard way.
You’re Doing Everything Wrong: Marriage
“A marriage is only as good as the member of the unit who is putting in the least amount of effort.” (Chapter 13)
Never assume that any amount of effort you put into your relationship can save things if your partner is not willing to do the same. A relationship is a team effort. And the team member who shirks his duty, brings everything downward. They’re the team leader. And everything goes according to the inactive or less active partner. A good spouse and a bad spouse equals a bad marriage. Always.
“Never enter a marriage thinking you can change the other person, nor relying on the notion that they will naturally change as time goes by.” (Chapter 13)
Either assumption will leave you wide open for a very uncomfortable rude awakening. Assume that what you see is what you get. They might change, but don’t rely on it. Love the person you marry, not an idea of what you think they should be.
Wholeness and Floor Mats
“A marriage is ideally a union of two whole individuals coming together to create something far greater than the two of them separately.” (Chapter 14)
A marriage isn’t two halves creating a whole. That’s childish nonsense. A half person isn’t fit to be married. Only a person who knows himself and is happy with himself is ready to bring someone else into his life.
“You cannot be turned into a floor mat unless you let yourself be a floor mat.” (Chapter 16)
In any relationship in which someone is dominated by another, there exists fault in the one who is dominated. It is true that it is wrong and inappropriate to behave dominantly over another human being (who does not want it); however, it can only happen if the one being dominated allows it to happen.
Stand up for yourself, since you and your thoughts and opinions matter also. If you back down constantly, always trying to please the other, the end result will be your perpetual unhappiness. And that’s why this books exists! You deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy! Sometimes we just need some extra tools to help us get there.
“Everyone needs to feel like they’re important, their opinions matter, and they are a central piece of the household.” (Chapter 16)
If someone in a marriage feels secondary or neglected, the unit is broken. If someone “wins” an argument, ultimately no one does. One member gets a temporary feeling of control and victory, while one silently suffers in the background.
This feeling doesn’t go away. It just accumulates and ferments in its own juices, and over time it will destroy the unit. There’s a limit to how long anyone can let themselves be ignored before they break inside. When that happens, the marriage is essentially done. And both parties lose.
The only option is win-win solutions. All the time. Anything less is unacceptable.
You’re Doing Everything Wrong: Divorce
“All the greatness that’s yet to come in your life is built upon the shoulders of all the suffering that preceded it.” (Chapter 23)
How did you get to where you are now? And what lessons did you pick up along the way? Everything you’ve done up until this point, every shred of pain you have endured, exists for a reason. You may not know the reason yet. And you may not appreciate the benefit of what you have experienced. But it all needed to be there.
You are the person you are because of everything that happened before today. So don’t mourn over the past. Rather, embrace it, build upon it, and make your life what you want it to be.
“Deep within all of us is a kickass parent… And you finally have the opportunity to [be this] without the weight of a bad marriage holding you back.” (Chapter 27)
Co-parenting is really challenging. It’s rare that two people agree 100% on how to raise a child. And it’s even rarer that someone who is upset or depressed can parent to the best of their abilities.
Divorce provides a unique opportunity for many. You get the chance to be with your children entirely on your own terms. If you’re using this period in your life well, you should be able to escape the pain you felt earlier and be free to be the parent you want to be.
And every parent has the ability to be amazing, given the right circumstances. Embrace the kickass parent within you!
My past 20+ years have been very interesting and eventful. I made many mistakes along the way. But I’ve learned from all of them. You’re Doing Everything Wrong is a compilation of lessons I learned along the way. I learned them the hard way. Pick up my book and learn them the easiest way possible!
*Enjoying? Sign up for email updates and never miss a new post again!
*Enjoying my writing? Check out my eBooks!