Month: June 2018

The Insecurity of Security

Security

Over the last decade I have been overwhelmed by security overhauls, both physical and now virtual. One thing has become apparent time and time again. In most of these situations, there has been a ton of work only to make everyone feel highly inconvenienced. Yet I have no evidence that anything is actually more secure or that anyone even feels even somewhat more secure.

There have been others, but I want to explore four security overhauls I’ve experienced in my life:

1) The Folly of TSA

We’ll start with the most obvious. I was living in Israel when terrorists tragically attacked my city of origin. I can honestly say I felt very detached from the events, since at the time I was in the Israeli Army, and we certainly had our own fair share of security concerns.

However, I surely felt the magic of security overhaul the first time I went to the States post-9/11. I remember noticing that nothing felt even remotely more secure to me. It just felt like the convenience levels had dropped several notches, and the security personnel were a lot more comfortable being rude and obnoxious to all of us.

I can’t imagine a moment when I’ve felt grateful that someone forced me to remove my shoes, or randomly selected me for an extra pat down. I’ve never been too keen on traveling. This certainly hasn’t helped the matter.

But seriously folks, does anyone who passes through an American airport feel more secure than they did in 2000? Granted I’m much happier that smoking on flights is no longer a thing. But there’s sill a lot of room for improvement.

2) Happy Fun Baltimore

My next major security overhaul came while I was teaching at a school in Baltimore. There was a terrorist attack in a Jewish institution in Toulouse, France, and we did what anybody would do under the circumstances. Across an ocean in an entirely unrelated facility, we decides now was the time to become concerned with security.

Screw all the students who lived in danger up to that point!

We just needed the right excuse to uproot everything we were doing, in order to make those who felt completely safe now feel uncomfortable. And we needed to provide no measurable feeling of security for anyone who really thought much about the endeavors. What do I mean? You have hundreds of innocent children, without a care in the world, now ducking behind desks and learning terms like “active shooter”… because it isn’t daunting enough to be a child.

And  then you have adult and child alike who can so easily pick apart every policy that’s been set. You have everything from the hardly secure gyms and bathrooms, to those who point out that a terrorist might just not be stopped by locked doors… when there are entire walls made out of glass! I’ll never quite understand the mentality that says psychotic murderers would always be so impolite as to gently knock.

So what do we get at the end of the day? Endless meetings, countless changed policies, and worlds of inconvenience.

3) Kansas too?

I left silly ole Baltimore for the good life of Kansas. I remember the first impression when I saw the building I would be working in. There was a sign prohibiting guns, and an unarmed security guard in front of the building. I thought this was crazy. It’s fine to feel safe and to not believe security is relevant to your location. However, what in the world is the point of an unarmed security guard!? Is he there to open the door and give a pleasant greeting to the visiting terrorist?

Sadly, all humor aside, I was living there only a matter of months before a psychopath drove in from Missouri and shot up the building. And before you knew it, I was back again in countless mindless meetings, watching from up close as convenience started decreasing alongside unchanged feelings of insecurity. And reality did not change. First of all, an organization that does not recognize the folly in an unarmed security guard until after a shooting is unlikely to wizen up and recognize its inherent need for protection.

Second, again, random door closing and inane, mindless drills don’t make for a safer community. They do, however, annoy just about everyone.

4) The Mighty GDPR

And finally, the reason I keep thinking about all of  this lately: The dreaded GDPR. For those who don’t know what this is, it is a new European law with steep, steep penalties, designed to protect people’s data. For most of us, it just means we have been receiving copious amounts of emails requesting us to push buttons agreeing to things.

And for some of us, who work for companies that handle huge amounts of customer data, it has meant a giant overhaul of our workflow.

Whether security is physical or virtual, the same rule applies: The more “secure” we are, the more inconvenienced we are. In the most extreme (and ridiculous) examples, the school with no doors or windows is the most secure environment, and disconnecting from the internet is the best way to keep all data as safe as possible. But we die of lack of oxygen and starvation, if the lack of Netflix doesn’t kill us first.

My Security Predictions

Anyone who’s been paying attention knows the hackers are becoming more sophisticated by the second. And they’re more than happy to go old school and rummage through your trashcan to find out your identity. My guess is, if history proves anything, one year after this law disrupts industry on top of industry, this is what we’ll have to show for it: Employees and customers will have grown disenchanted with the new systems so much, there will be greater job turnover and worse customer retention than in previous years. Countless companies will be fined due to violations. Most likely the violations will not be due to malice, but due to careless errors or lack of a large enough staff. The major companies that could afford large staffs and giant legal teams to deal with the issues will be safe. However, smaller industries will get irreparably damaged by the penalties.

And finally, there will be zero decrease in data breeches. No one will walk around feeling any safer than they did the day before. And we’ll have yet another instance of a security overhaul that disrupts without actual protection or feelings of security.

Those who commit the acts, from terrorism to school shootings to giant data breeches, are well aware that while we continue to suffer, they dance home with smiles on their faces and money in their pockets each and every day.

And finally…

Please understand, I don’t mean to pick on any particular city or institution. I think it’s pretty much a universal issue. People usually don’t think about security until it’s too late. And when they do think of security, it’s often in the most asinine and inconvenient ways. The bad guys win by hurting us… and then we kick ourselves when we’re down by making life more annoying. And we still don’t feel any safer!

 

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Posted by jaffeworld in opinion, personal story, politics, travel, 0 comments

Tales of Jewish Dating, Part III: Dating Wrong

Jewish Dating Wrong

Dating Wrong

Wrapping up this little series on Jewish Dating, I’d like to discuss some major insights I’ve pieced together.

I don’t have all the answers. Not even close. But 20 years of dealing with dating, marriage, and divorce have taught me a few lessons about what to do. And more importantly, what not to do.

Here are five little gems. Feel free to argue (even if you’re wrong):

Don’t Ooze Desperation

Don’t say yes to every date proposed for you. And don’t hang around with someone you’re pretty sure isn’t at all right for you, hanging on the hopes that maybe things will turn around.

And please don’t run around telling the world you’re looking to get married.

There are two reasons for all of this. First, it creates a lot of pressure on yourself. Nothing good comes from walking around stressed or unhappy. And pushing yourself too hard can result in hasty and/or bad decision making.

But just as important, desperation is unattractive. Confidence pulls people toward you. Knowing what you like, being comfortable with yourself, and standing for what you believe in pulls people toward you. When you ooze desperation, it’s like a nasty aroma that nobody wants to come close to.

Go on dates. But don’t make it the heart of your existence. Dating is something a whole person does with the hopes of sharing their fantastic life with another person. If it’s everything to you, then when it doesn’t work out, you have nothing.

Which leads to my next point.

Being Single is Amazing

Before I got married, I hated being single. I didn’t know how to do it well. Now I have a new problem. I love being single so much, I may have lost the capacity to join someone else into my life. But that’s for another post.

I believe learning how to love being single is a prerequisite for marriage. It might sound peculiar, or even counterintuitive. However, there are three main reasons for this:

a. Those leading a quality single life are more interesting and more desirable. No one wants to date someone dull, nor does anyone want to live a life that’s just about dating. It’s unfulfilling now and most certainly in the long run. You shouldn’t look back and worry about the lost time in your life.

b. A healthy marriage involves the intelligent fusion of two whole individuals. They are wonderful separately, and even more wonderful as a pair. It shouldn’t be that your only contribution to the unit is having agreed to be a part of it.

c. Most importantly: Happiness comes from within, not from a spouse. Fact is, no spouse, no matter how amazing, can determine whether or not you are happy. That is a personal decision. And if you mask true happiness with joy that solely emanates from another person, when you remove that person, you remove the happiness. Your true joy needs to come from you. Learn to love being single. Then open your heart to share your incredible self with another person.

Dating Should Be Fun

Jewish dating isn’t fun. As I’ve mentioned earlier, it’s pragmatic. It’s stressful. There is a tremendous amount of pressure, both external and internal.

It really, truly does not need to be this way.

You want to get married. I get it. That doesn’t mean dating is a chore on the road to accomplishing your goal. Let yourself go. Be loose. Be yourself. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy the other person. It doesn’t have to lead to marriage to be enjoyable. You may just have found a new person in your life. Who knows? Maybe they’ll become a good friend or a business connection. Or maybe you’ll just have had a pleasant, memorable evening.

Obviously it takes two people to make that happen. But all communal shifts in attitude begin with one person.

Go at the Same Pace

It’s very important to gauge the temperature of the person you’re with. Some of us have the tendency to go from 0-60 extremely quickly, and we miss the fact that the person we’re with is taking their time.

What happens when this occurs? At first it’s OK. Or at least it feels fine. One party is constantly calling and complimenting and giving small gifts. The other is enjoying the attention, but is not really moving toward any meaningful feelings.

After a certain amount of months, the slower party is either interested in continuing the slow pace, or wants to move on from the relationship; and their pursuer is just a drip away from proposing! With feelings galore, he is in for a rude awakening and about to have his heart severely broken.

Relationships are complex. There are lots of moving parts. And sometimes it’s easy to forget that whereas each and every one of your feelings are entirely valid, so are all of those of the other party. If you ignore them, the end results will not be good. The best way to know what another person is feeling is through open and honest communication. If it’s not there, the relationship is doomed to fail anyway. Get out.

Just make sure you’re on the same page, looking for the same things, and going at a similar pace.

Know when to say yes… and when to call it quits

When do you ask a person to marry you? There’s only one correct answer. No one knows! How great it would be if life were that simple. It would be amazing if we could predict the viability of a relationship with any level of certainty!

But we can’t. We only have what we have.

What’s that? Our hearts, our minds, and our trusted companions.

Problem is, most of us have a tendency to ignore one or more of these three elements, and they’re all essential. More often than not, the heart gets all the attention. We’re left with a brain mindlessly following emotions, without any shred of logic. Without any checks and balances. We can all fall into this trap. And the easiest way to protect ourselves is to be surrounded by people we love and trust, who can help us make thoughtful, intelligent decisions, without fear of consequence.

We might not have all or even anywhere near close to all the answers. But we were born with keen minds and a need for meaningful companionship. We need to use them all when it counts the most.

 

What did you learn from your journey?

 

*Enjoying my writing? Check out my latest eBook!

Posted by jaffeworld in divorce, Israel, judaism, 0 comments

Tales of Jewish Dating, Part II: Lessons Learned

wejewish dating

In my last post, I told many stories about the less-than-perfect experience I had with shadchanim and Jewish dating. I’d like to speak about some things I learned from these experiences.

Not All Shadchanim are Created Equal

First, not all shadchanim are made equal. Some really take the time to get to know you. It doesn’t feel like a matchmaking factory, where they’re sending you out constantly, hoping if you go out enough times you’ll hit pay dirt. They actually want to connect people for whom they perceive a logical connection. And their heart is in the right place. Your long-term tranquility and happiness is the center of their concern.

Others… not so much. It’s a numbers game. They toss people out, knowing full well that if you shoot enough times at the target, you’re bound to graze the bullseye a few times. The elephant in the room is that this type of dating is horrendous, with potentially disastrous long-term results. Dating can get very expensive, and it’s really difficult emotionally. Jewish dating in my crazy city is not fun. It’s often a highly pragmatic marriage interrogation. If it works out, great. If not, you have nothing to show for it. Just lost time and money. No new friend or connection. No amazing experience. Just another failed attempt to find “the one”.

And what happens when it does work? What happens when you toss people together enough times and at some point they do get married? Are you creating healthy, long-lasting relationships based on trust, shared values, and quality communication? Or are you just tossing people in the same room and letting the chips fall where they may? And then abandoning these young, ill-fated couples to figure it all out on their own?

I’m sure there are shadchanim out there who are skilled and thorough. And I’m sure there are those who just have a knack for what they do. The others should stop. They’re doing more harm than good, all positive intentions aside.

Interpretation

Another lesson I gained is about terminology. There are phrases I would use to describe myself that I would never use again in front of a shadchan. I consider myself to be extremely open-minded, especially relative to a lot of folk in my immediate vicinity. However, I quickly learned that whereas I mean that I am open to all sorts of different thoughts and ideas, and I’m willing to try many things in life even way outside my comfort zone, the term seem to get misconstrued by shadchanim as “has no standards”.

So, if you want a shadchan who goes through a list of those who as of yet no one wants to date, by all means tell them you’re open-minded. Please be aware: The damage to your self esteem upon seeing the type of people you get set up with could crush your soul.

Jewish Dating, a Bit Too Serious

A final lesson I culled from the Jewish dating process is it saps your will. It could certainly be expensive. It is most definitely time consuming. But more than any of that, the emotional drain is severe. Keep in mind, this is a very serious form of dating. You’ve got two people interacting, both who wanted to be married yesterday. Hell, they want to have three kids by now! There’s no time for letting go and just enjoying the moment.

In fact, the best date I ever went on was, by Jewish dating standards, an absolute failure. We learned very quickly that we had certain values and lifestyle choices that didn’t mesh correctly. Marriage was out of the question, therefore so was continuing to date. However, we were already there and enjoying each other’s company. I recall very little about this young lady. I don’t even remember her name or what she looks like. But I will never forget the hour and a half we sat just chitchatting on a bench in Jerusalem, eating sunflower seeds and spitting shells all over the place (Israel’s simultaneously most revolting and most amazing custom). The conversation was fantastic. All pressure was 100% gone. And we sat there with the ability to enjoy ourselves, without a care in the world.

It’s actually funny. When going on a date in any capacity, the advice everyone always gives you is to be yourself. And yet with this style of dating, it’s so rigid and uncomfortable that being yourself ceases to be a viable option.

What’s next?

And when all the smoke clears, the date usually ends one of two ways: You either continue on the marriage trajectory, zooming your way to a new apartment filled with wall-to-wall children. Or you have nothing. Nothing at all. No friendship has been created, nor do you have a long-term, meaningful connection. No adventurous story has been added to your life. You just move on to the next uncomfortable moment, hoping that this one will be different. And you try to forget this lousy moment, and the time from your life you will never be able to get back.

Again, I’m sure there are those who try and set people up with the finest of intentions, and who are thoughtful and caring about really trying to put two people in the same room who actually should be. And thus quality dates and marriages might result.

That was not my experience.

Nope. I met my wife on a bus. And sure, it didn’t work out in the end. But we hacked 13 years together. Seems better than most this day and age.

And I’d still take a bus over a shadchan any day of the week.

In my next post I’ll talk about some more important lessons I culled from these last insane 20 years.

 

Anything you learned from your experiences?

 

*Enjoying my writing? Check out my latest eBook!

Posted by jaffeworld in divorce, Israel, judaism, personal story, 1 comment

Tales of Jewish Dating, Part I: Shadchanim and Beyond

shadchanim

In The Beginning…

Almost two decades ago, I started dating with a fury. I was visiting shadchanim and going on dates just about every week.

And I was miserable.

At the time I was living in Israel, watching all my friends getting married, and itching to find my own soulmate. Arguably pathetically desperate.

I went to many, many shadchanim. This word loosely translates to matchmakers (and very humorously is also the word in Hebrew for staplers). No, they’re not what you might picture from Fiddler on the Roof. It’s a fairly modern version of a similar idea. They’re simply people who maintain lists of guys and girls, and try to attempt to intelligently pair them up.

I don’t want to crap on the profession (or hobby). But I can definitely say it was a system that failed me terribly.

To start my tale, I want to tell a few stories from my pre-marriage attempts to meet people through the “system”.

Shadchanim and Common Character Traits

I recall sitting in a hotel lobby with an Israeli girl. We attempted polite conversation, but failed miserably. And to make matters all the more uncomfortable, she was very clearly a gold digger. I don’t really have a problem with that per se… however, at that point in my life I was working as a sofer (scribe), and living on scraps. How do you tell your gold digger date that you’re living in a caravan for $90 a month, and still sometimes struggle to make rent?

Afterwards I went to the shadchanit (female matchmaker) and politely asked her what she saw that made her think we would be a good match. And that’s when she said two words that will forever live in my mind in infamy:

“Mostly age.”

I still get angry even typing the words.

For God’s sake, if the only thing you can find in common between two people is something wildly trivial, and you completely ignore all other details that show the match is not a good one, get another hobby!

Common Philosophical Outlook

Another odd moment I had involved a young lady who sat across from me and stated without a shred of irony that she can’t believe how anyone can call themselves Lubavitch and not believe the Rebbe is the Messiah.

Now for anyone who has no idea what I’m talking about, the Rebbe is a reference to the leader of a Chassidic group (Lubavitch or Chabad) who died in 1994. A rapidly quieting faction decided that despite his death, the Rebbe was in fact the Messiah. There is a minuscule portion of the Jewish population who believes this. And then there are the rest of us, who find the idea to be anywhere from inane to repellent.

My thoughts upon hearing that my date held this position with extremely aclacrity:

“Well… I guess the rest of this date’s a formality… ”

Shadchanim and Looking for a Little Growth

Once I went to a shadchanit who sat with a little rolodex of eligible guys and girls. You would tell her a little about yourself and she would flip through her little card catalogue from an era gone by, trying to see who might be a fitting match.

I described myself, as one might in their early 20s, as being very spiritual. Constantly searching. Looking to grow and become a better person every day of my life.

At least twice during our little meeting, she said something along these lines:

“Oh, this is a very lovely girl. She’s a nursing student. Very pretty. Extremely nice attitude. And… oh wait, sorry. She’s not into growth.”

And then she would continue fiddling with the rolodex looking for the next candidate.

And I just stood there. Dumbfounded. Wondering what their conversation must have looked like.

“Hi, my name is Samantha. I would like to find a person with whom to stagnate and stay the same forever.”

Nearly two decades later, I still have no words.

And along with the no words, there is no segue that does this final story justice.

What’s a Little Hair Pulling?

Many moons ago I was hired to work as a security guard at a festival in Jerusalem. The workload was very light, but it is not within the capability of an Israeli boss to just to let you sit there and do nothing. When in doubt, they make up stuff to do.

And there I was. Appointed to stand next to the stage, and told my sole responsibility was to arbitrarily tell people they couldn’t walk past the area I was blocking.

And then, of course, everybody and their sister not only needed to walk through that area, but there was no other choice. And it was a matter of life and death.

One young lady stood in front of me. She gave me a sob story about how she had asked the people at the front entrance to use the bathroom, all so she could sneak into the concert. But alas, now she had a change of heart and wanted to leave. However, if she went out the way she came, they would know what she did. The ONLY way she could go to avoid trouble and embarrassment was the path that I was blocking.

Meanwhile…

Two other folk were screaming at me to let them by, as if my preventing their doing so was preventing them from curing cancer.

And the anger and emotions pouring from the three of them stood in stark contrast to my one and only responsibility.

This went on for what felt like a year, until while I was dealing with the screamers, the young lady decided to dart right past me.

I recall the next part in slow motion. I shouted, “Nooooo!” and reached in her direction… and before I knew what was happening, she was staring at me in pain. And I stood there with a fistful of her hair in my hand.

I awoke from my stupor, released my grip, and she ran off into the night. Never to be seen or heard from again.

At least that’s what I thought…

Two years later… I was walking along on a date… and I really thought the girl looked familiar…

Yes. That happened. It really did.

Suffice it to say, there was no second date.

 

So… it would appear that the road of shadchanim was not the right path for me. What’s next?

 

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Posted by jaffeworld in divorce, humor, judaism, personal story, 0 comments