Stop Being Defensive, Start to Learn

I’m naturally defensive.

I don’t think it’s an abnormal trait. Or a desirable one. But it’s definitely there, and swimming through my head at all times.

But for the first time in my life, I’m fighting back. Defensive no more! Why? Because learning happens where openness begins and defensiveness ends.

Let me illustrate how this might work.

A Fateful Press Release

Imagine your new job asked you to draft a press release. The parameters were fairly clear. One page. Business tone. The goal was to give a positive vibe and to earn maximum revenue.

You enthusiastically set out to show your new employers why they made the right choice. You craft a beautiful document, review it a dozen times, and email it to your supervisor.

You’re excited.

After all, you just worked for a high-level PR firm for the past four years. Writing press releases is like breathing to you. You could whip one of those suckers out without needing to think. Easy as pie.

And you sit back in your office chair, waiting for the inevitable email with the simple words, “Perfect. Thanks!” And then, of course, the parade. The adulations of adoring co-workers who have been informed in an inter-office email that the company has a new star on its hand. That the world has just gotten better for all of them.

Not That Email

An email comes, most certainly. But it’s not what you were expecting at all.

“Can we discuss your press release later today?” it says.

Some of the scariest words you find just about anywhere. So vague, it leads your mind in so many horrifying directions. Does this mean the press release was awful? Does this mean I’m going to need to redo the entire thing? Am I about to get canned??

And the meeting happens, and bad immediately goes to worse. Before your supervisor opens his mouth, you see a copy of your press release covered from top to bottom in red ink. And all of your fears are confirmed.

You’re no good at what you do. You lack any and all of the necessary job skills. They made a terrible mistake hiring you and your days with the company are limited.

Things get all confusing when they start talking. They say seemingly polite and even complimentary things like “This was really nice work” and “Honestly, for a first try, this was pretty impressive.”

Is this a trick? If I did such a good job, why the mysterious email? Why did you spill a gallon of red ink on my beautiful work of art?

And Then He Becomes Defensive

But this is when things get really complex.

This is when years of buildup from so many aspects of your life start to pile on.

If you were to get punched, you wouldn’t contemplate the reason behind the punch. You would aim to dodge the fist. Or you would put up a hand to stop things from coming.

So why not here?

After all, your work is under fire. Every word you put down is under attack. You can’t sit back and let the onslaught consume you and do nothing about it!

So you start to defend every letter, much to the confusion of your supervisor.

You start explaining your word and design choices. You say there was information you were lacking you couldn’t possibly have known yet. You even start blaming the person with whom you’re speaking for not having told you something prior, thus explaining the information you missed or conveyed incorrectly.

The Better Choice

But during all of these times you were speaking, there was something even better you could have been doing.

Shut the hell up.

Listen. Take in every word. Learn from the person sitting across from you.

And assume the best in their intentions.

They’re not here to attack you. They’re here to educate you. To get you up to speed. To make it so your next presentation will be incredible and you will be a step closer to self-sufficiency.

To be sure, not everyone in every work place is looking out for you. Some co-workers and supervisors see you as competition. Or even a threat.

Everyone wants to be a hot shot. Everyone wants to be the person in the organization others looks up to. And no one wants to be the slacker who is only ever given the garbage assignments.

And there exist those in this world who want to see you fail, because it makes them feel better about themselves. Like a classic high school bully who brings you down as the only viable method they can feel superior to anyone.

But you can even learn from that person. So long as you can stifle that part of you that wants to shout out in your own defense all the time.

Why Are You So Defensive?

What do you gain from this defensiveness?

Perhaps a momentary feeling of satisfaction. Of minute power.

But what you lose is so much more.

You see, for every moment you’re defending your words, you are not doing something infinitely more valuable: Listening.

When you listen, you learn. And when you learn, you grow. And really what’s happening when they’re stomping upon all your hard work and nitpicking all the words you painstakingly chose is they are helping you to make better, more refined choices the next time you write up something. They’re assisting you to perfect your craft. And if your thoughtful enough to take every single word they express as bringing you a step closer to that hot-shot level you’re aiming for, you will get where you’re going so much quicker.

Shut Up and Listen

Like in a relationship where some of the best advice anyone could ever receive is to shut up and listen rather than try and make a great change, so too here: Listening is everything!

Remember the golden rule: Learning happens where openness begins and defensiveness ends.

Open your heart to hearing what those around you have to say. Be humble. Don’t assume you know everything or have all the answers. And stop trying to prove you’re right! Fact is, sometimes you’re not. But you’ll never know unless you stop and let someone show you another approach.

When you allow that to happen, you can sincerely make great changes in your life.

And that’s when the real magic happens.