A Confrontation with the Past

I was at a wedding this past year, and I had an odd dilemma.

My wife and I were asked to MC the wedding, and while we were going over all the details, I noticed I would have to introduce someone with a very memorable last name from the past.

Now, I’m going to be intentionally vague with a lot of the details here. They are extremely sensitive and being too explicit could be very uncomfortable and embarrassing for many, many people.

So I apologize if this makes a lot of what I’m going to speak about seem disjointed or unclear. As always, I’ll do my best.

A Name from the Past

Anyhow, I recognized the name immediately, and started to shiver a bit.

This was the child of someone I had some very unfortunate run-ins with a few decades earlier. And even though I never forgot the experiences, they were buried deep within my psyche, not to be considered too much or too often. I’d really come to terms with the level of antipathy I had toward his father, and even though it will never go away, there were aspects of my hatred that I never really considered.

I refuse to let the faults of a terribly unsavory individual affect how I think about his offspring. Well, at least in theory. In practice, it’s impossible to really control how you feel in such a situation.

And I found myself bothered by the notion that I would be saying this person’s name out loud. That I would be standing near this person, who never did a thing to me short of sharing a last name with someone I found reprehensible.

But I have trouble just letting the past be the past. I can’t just sit around stewing in these feelings. I need to take action.

And dozens of times throughout the wedding I contemplated what a conversation might look like if I faced my fears and confronted the person standing within a few feet of me.

Letting the Past Go

I’ve been advised before to get better about not holding on to things from long ago. I don’t like to have problems with old friends or damaged relationships that just sit there floating in space, never getting resolved. I hold on to past emotions very powerfully. And I don’t let go until I can figure out ways to try and get to the next level.

It sounds good on paper. And has been good many times in my life, but it’s also painful. It’s like having an old, nagging injury that still causes discomfort and I cannot shake it without addressing it properly.

In addition, I still fault myself for mistakes I made a long time ago, sometimes as a child. I have trouble just forgiving and forgetting my own deeds from before I was truly self-aware enough to be able to make a difference. Rather I still feel like I need to continue to work hard to resolve old issues.

So it’s no wonder I stood at the wedding dwelling.

It’s no wonder I wanted to feel some level of resolution.

It’s Now or Never

And as our time at the wedding was coming to a close, I knew my chance for a healthy resolve was about to fall out of my grasp. I told Devorah the problem I was facing, and she brilliantly asked: If you don’t speak to him, will you regret it later?

With absolutely no hesitation, I said that I would.

And before I knew it, I found myself in the danger zone. Confronting a dark piece of my past. Panicking, having no idea at all what to expect.

I approached this young man… and proceeded to have a lovely conversation.

It was brief. And to be fair, we may have both been a bit on the tipsy side.

But when you tell a person you’ve been jumping out of your seat the whole evening to confront someone whose father you find revolting, what’s the kind of reaction you expect? How does that scenario normally play out?

Well, certainly not how it happened.

And the Conversation Rages On

There was pleasant chit chat. And several hugs of camaraderie and understanding. And after a brief but meaningful talk, we exchanged contact information and agreed the conversation needed to continue.

I walked away from the wedding feeling like a million dollars. Feeling like a giant and oppressive weight had been lifted from me.

The conversation did continue, later on at a coffee shop. We both wondered if each other would be equally as friendly and gracious if the setting were changed and the alcohol wasn’t invading our thoughts and feelings. Those worries were unwarranted, and everything was equally lovely.

We sat for quite a while, exchanging stories and countless deep and emotional pieces of ourselves more often than not kept buried, more often than not left unspoken.

And we are so much better off now.

The Past Takes Up Real Estate

Those who suggested I bury my past have a point. You can’t change the past, so if it’s holding you back, you need to learn to move forward. You need to not be shackled down by something completely out of your hands.

Nevertheless, the past isn’t going anywhere. It sits in your soul and takes up precious real estate in your mind and emotions.

Ignoring it is always an option. Sometimes it’s even the best option.

But when you have an opportunity to confront and conquer your past, I think it’s an opportunity well worth taking.

That day I stared the devil in the face. I had encountered pure evil earlier in my life, and even though I knew somewhere in my heart that I hadn’t fully closed that chapter, I also had no idea when it would resurface.

And when it did, I had choices. And thanks to a drive for closure and a healthy push from my wife, that day I became a better person.

What’s done is done. The past can never be erased. But how I choose to deal with it, and how it affects me everyday henceforth, is a decision. And I decided not to let that past burden me any longer.

And I’m a stronger person for it.

I hope that I continue to have the strength to fight rather than run from the nightmares of days long gone.