Never Settle… Reloaded (Part 2)

I had a lot of strong responses to my Never Settle post and it made me think it’s worthwhile to do a bit of a follow up about some details, three of which I’d like to discuss or clarify here:

Settling vs Realism

A few folk told me that it was wrong of me to tell people in Never Settle that they should search for perfection, since perfection is not a realistic goal. This made me wonder: Did I actually say people should seek perfection? Looking back at my words, I don’t think I said that at all. However, if people are hearing it, maybe it’s worth clarifying a point or two.

When I say someone should never settle, I mean they should follow their hearts and trust their instincts about what they truly want from a partner.

Now this can theoretically get a bit tricky, since some people out there have highly unrealistic expectations. We’ve all heard the stories of the short, dumpy, uninteresting, unemployed dude who will only date super models. I don’t think these are the average scenarios for those accused of being “too picky”; however, it does behoove people to sit down with a trusted friend or family member, someone they know has their best interest in mind and knows them very well, and figure out whether or not they’re being realistic.

Just because we should all learn to be realistic, and because we should recognize the futility of searching for perfection, still does not mean we should ever settle. Even our aforementioned short, dumpy friend should never settle!

When I say someone should never settle, I mean they should follow their hearts and trust their instincts about what they truly want from a partner. Click To Tweet

Never Settle: Before vs During

Much of what I spoke about in Never Settle dealt with the way other people might react if you repeatedly go on dates and deem the people “not good enough” or that you are just not “feeling it”.

Some might argue that it’s worth giving things a bit more time. I hear what they are saying. Everyone has heard the story of the person who “stuck things out” just a little longer and now they’re happily married with three kids. I do believe there’s an element of truth to the idea of “giving things a chance”, but I think there’s just as much validity (or more) to the idea of trusting your own instincts. We’re all adults here, and pushing people to stay in relationships they’re not enjoying is not doing anyone any good.

But what about beforehand? What about constantly rejecting suggestions without ever giving the guy or girl in question a chance? Is that any different? It’s certainly not what I was speaking about in the earlier post, but it’s worth considering.

Five Rules for a Setup

I would say these five points:

1. Yes, it’s worth greater consideration. It’s very hard to really know a person you’ve never actually met. Can you really have a strong idea that you’re not about to meet someone incredibly important to you without actually having sat across from them and looking them in the eye? No, you can’t…
2. But… sometimes you can! I still think it’s important to trust your instinct, even with just a picture and some peripheral information. Especially in a generation where finding out information is so quick and simple. If you don’t like the information you are seeing, or you are simply not attracted to the person in question, you have every right to not go on a date. That’s even if you’ve never been married, have no children, or are past a certain age.
3. If you’re choosing to get involved in other people’s love interests, please please please be thoughtful about it. “I know someone who’s also single and somewhat close to you in age” is not and will never be enough information. If the great majority of failed dates were “not bad” or “pretty close”, I think people would get discouraged less often. Frivolous, thoughtless dates are more often than not a giant waste of everyone’s time, and the more awful dates people go on, the more the process will be a turn off.
4. You can ask. You can even possibly offer a gentle encouragement to give it a shot after some initial pushback. But anything more than that is completely obnoxious. Please allow people to trust their instincts. When you don’t, you’re weakening their resolve. You’re telling them their own thoughts and feelings are not good enough. And frankly, if we saw someone pushing too hard for a date with someone, we might call it harassment. Why is it any different if it comes through someone else?
5. I’ve seen this now a few times. Someone wants to set somebody up. They respond by thanking the other person but explaining that they’re already involved with someone. The response: “Oh. Well… if it doesn’t work out, be in touch.” For the love of God, never say that or any variation to anyone! Ever!

Never Settle: What about Children?

Another friend asked me about children. For women there is often an overwhelming desire to have children and, unfortunately, a biological time limit for how long they can do so. What happens when that need is borderline oppressive and the deadline seems right around the corner? Is then a time to consider settling?

God no.

It is incredibly important to recognize that setting yourself up for an unfulfilling marriage is also setting your future children up for an uncomfortable, upsetting household. Obviously many children have grown up in such homes, and many have done so with great success; however, it’s certainly not ideal, and every child deserves a stable, calm household. We should certainly not push for situations where that’s far less likely.

And we are blessed with countless opportunities to adopt beautiful children who really need and want you as a parent. And those children ARE your children. Biology is nothing. If you raise a child, that is your child 100%. Sure, you can go ahead and find an incompatible match in order to raise biological children in an uncomfortable environment. How much greater would it be to wait for the right spouse in order to raise your adopted children in a home built on love and trust?